Thanks so much for that. Some of your phrasing reminds of Bob Dylan’s lyrics, an interesting combination of straightforward “concrete” writing and then idiosyncratic imagery.
I’ve never been able to adequately formulate what it is about that technique (and believe me I’ve tried to figure it out) that I find so appealing, but I do.
An example is Dylan’s line “The ghost of electricity howls in the bones of her face,” sandwiched in there with a song that also talks about fish trucks loading.
Your poem is similar in that approach, and I find it really interesting.