Breaking News: Lefties and Righties Start Yelling at Each Other about Something

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by Johann Walter Bantz on Unsplash

Shocking development today as less than five seconds after something happened people started leaping to partisan-based conclusions and yelling fanatically at each other.

The smoke of the something hadn’t even settled before people started writing lengthy diatribes based on no evidence whatsoever.

Approximately 42 million social media friendships were severed during the carnage.

Even more shocking is that after the nothing-based articles and social media posts began, Lefties started condemning Righties for their baseless accusations and Righties started condemning Lefties for their baseless accusations.

Witnesses report large amounts of squabbling and furious liking and retweeting, possibly the most vicious ever recorded.

Professor of political science Edgar S. Chumm stated, “I’ve never seen anything like this in my entire career studying political discourse. It’s beyond unsettling to see Lefties and Righties being irrational and it’s unprecedented to see them being hypocritical, even MORE unprecedented to see each side calling out the other’s hypocrisy while being blind to their own. This has never happened before in human history.”

Rubbing his eyes wearily, he added, “I worry for the future of democracy and stuff.”

Five-year-old Samuel C. Looftenhauf was trapped with his mother at the heart of the scene when the baseless accusations started flying.

“I don’t think any of them know what the hell they’re talking about,” Looftenhauf said, making him the wisest person on the scene.

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I’m not in the Matrix. I AM the Matrix.

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